Trying to control others or your environment to prevent yourself from facing your own feelings, thoughts and beliefs doesn’t work, it really is that simple, sure you may have temporary relief with the avoidance of and projection onto others until that person or environment realises what is happening and then they leave, or give you exactly what you asked for – to be left alone, not to get to close, be afraid of being hurt why?
Because you left them no choice but to follow your directives!
This is what is known as a self fulfilling prophecy.
Your choice to avoid facing your own pain, sadness, anger …. (fill in the space) cannot be maintained forever, yes you may extend it’s life by continuing to shift partners, jobs, environments, social groups etc and as it takes massive amounts of energy to keep emotions that big, scarey and painful suppressed, eventually they break through to the surface and all you have achieved is to face them alone as everyone who wanted to care, wanted to share, connect and offer support you may have pushed away, judging them as weak and needy, when this has been the internal fear you may have held yourself that to have these feelings and to want to connect with another to receive love and nurturing is also a sign of a weak and needy character.
Human beings are relational by nature, we need others, we need support, love, affection, care, we have deep capacity to feel all types of emotions and without the skills to communicate them we create reams of faulty logic that run it’s endless cycles building walls around our perceived fragility or vulnerability until what started as a “self” protection becomes a self imprisoned state, worse still we have no visitors or companions because we have turned them all away with varying degrees of criticism, judgement anger cruelty and fear, now that is something to feel sad about indeed!
Now may be the time to consider the real cost of trying to maintain control of yourself, your emotions your true needs and those who attempt to love you.
Vanessa Auditore – Human Behaviour & Well being Specialist. Vanessa practices from Success HQ located in St Leonards NSW, please contact vanessa@successhq.com.au for all enquiries.
